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Let’s talk about the man who’s infiltrated your home every Christmas: unchecked, unregulated, and unapologetically weird. No, I’m not talking about your uncle, who insists on wearing a MAGA hat to Christmas dinner and rants about the dangers of vaccines and the price of gas. I’m talking about Santa Claus, himself.
For years, we’ve blindly welcomed this so-called “jolly” figure into our lives without question. But has anyone stopped to ask: what do we really know about this man? Spoiler alert: not enough. And what we do know is deeply troubling.
First, let’s talk about his outfit. A bright red suit? Sure, if you’re auditioning for RuPaul’s Drag Race: North Pole Edition. White fur trim? Who even wears that outside of Game of Thrones cosplay conventions? And don’t get me started on the belt—it’s giving “1990s WWE villain.” Is he a Christmas icon or something more devious?
He’s flamboyant. Suspicious. And it raises serious questions about his “agenda.” Is he not, in fact, the ultimate groomer?
He’s supposedly married, but where is Mrs. Claus when he’s globe-trotting with a sack of suspiciously unregulated goods? And his “reindeer games”? Classic virtue signaling. He chose Rudolph—an outcast with a glowing nose—to lead the sleigh team. Inclusion initiatives are dangerous, folks. Who’s next? A flying drag queen?
Then there’s his workforce. Santa presides over an army of mythical creatures he calls “elves.” Who are these so-called elves, really? Have they been vetted?
I’ve seen enough fantasy movies to know mythical creatures rarely have our best interests at heart. And let’s not ignore the power dynamic here: a jolly old man lording over a tiny, subservient workforce. Pedophile? Is this a workshop or a salacious den of carnal knowledge? Why aren’t lawmakers investigating this?
Santa’s travel habits are equally alarming. He claims to visit every home in the world in a single night—no passport, no TSA clearance, not even a suspicious glance from NORAD. And who accompanies him? No one.
Let me repeat that: no one. He’s an unaccompanied male who interacts almost exclusively with children. He has them sit on his lap at shops and malls and whispers promises of “gifts” if they’ve been “good.” Parents, does this not alarm you?
And what about his North Pole hideaway? Santa claims to live in a remote, unregulated area with no oversight or accountability. Convenient, isn’t it? For all we know, the North Pole is a front for a woke conspiracy.
Think about it. It’s inaccessible, secretive, and exactly the kind of place you’d expect to find a socialist utopia—complete with flying reindeer and Orwellian surveillance.
Speaking of surveillance: Santa’s omniscience is downright chilling. “He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake.” Excuse me? If the government admitted to this, there’d be a congressional hearing faster than you can say “PATRIOT Act.”
Yet Santa gets a free pass because he hands out Xboxes and Barbie Dreamhouses.
It’s clear that Santa Claus represents a grave threat to our children and our traditional values. In fact, I’m proposing legislation to replace Santa Claus with a more patriotic figure. Picture this: an armored bald eagle soaring through the sky, dropping AR-15s and Chick-fil-A coupons into every stocking. Problem solved.
No more suspiciously jolly men sneaking around. No more woke reindeer parades. No more progressive, inclusive messaging wrapped in shiny paper and a bow. It’s time to take Christmas back—for the children.
Every parent clutching pearls over library books or Pride floats in a Christmas parade should wake up—the real danger to kids is Santa.
If this sounds extreme, just remember: absurdity is in the eye of the beholder. But as everyone knows, there ain’t no sanity clause.
Merry Christmas, and watch your chimney.
